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Juan Gamer Against the Zombies 2: Useless Theories

September 6, 2010

Status updates from Tweeter and scattered news reports have indicated that while this is a worldwide phenomenon, most of the damage seems to be initially centered around places with high concentrations of people. Along with some extrapolations from various news sources, I can at least posit a theory, however far-fetched, as to how this all went down.

From the looks of things, all a group would have to do to start the zombification process would have been to induce some kind of short-term biological agent into the air-conditioning system of an airport, airplane or other such mass gathering of people, allowing the short-term agent to infect a large enough group that would be the prime zombies; in other words, the zombies that would start the outbreak would get sick through said agent, die, and be resurrected.

The agent would have to have had a long enough incubation period to keep its subjects alive for at least a day or two, and then, once they died and resurrected, all that would be needed to start the initial wave of mass zombification would have been for one of the prime zombies to bite a victim.

This, of course, makes little sense in the long run, as it’s such an inefficient and inelegant way to introduce the end of the world. If there was a storm or other weather-induced long-term delay in flights at any particular airport, the outbreak could have been lessened drastically in its ability to spread.

Then again, to paraphrase Jurassic Park, undeath finds a way.

I could be completely wrong though. It’s also completely possible that there is no more space in hell for the damned, and thus, they’re all walking the earth now. If such was the case, however, innocent children probably wouldn’t be zombies.  Except there’s already video footage of small-statured biting monsters.

Then of course, there’s the alternate world tweeter theory that states that we’re in some kind of sick, Battle Royale style game where the last survivor on this alternate universe where the dead come to life will become the ruler of his own domain… but that’s just nuts, as the burden of proof would ultimately lie in killing every other zombie AND human being on the planet… and that will take a while.

All these theories are worthless in the face of death, and so the Watanabe patriarch and I opted to take the only course of action available in the short-term that would ensure some possibility of survival: the Watanabe family and I are going to fight our way to the airport, steal a plane and take it somewhere safer.

Of course, this leaves the five of us with an important question: How the hell are we supposed to get battle-ready in such a short-span of time?

Juan Gamer Against the Zombies is a new series of posts scheduled to come once every two weeks (or possibly sooner) chronicling the events of one gamer’s trek across the world in search of a new home… preferably with as few zombies as possible.

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